my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize