I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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