Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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