some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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