You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
