I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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