I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
