i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
