My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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