bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
