I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize