Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
