So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I love you. Go after that dick
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
