apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
