so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
