I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
