i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
