Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize