so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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