hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
