Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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