my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
