i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This is my gift to your gina
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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