hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
