R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
