Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
