her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
