So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
