Got a toothbrush?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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