Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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