Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
