Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
