she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
