Pants 0. Shit 1.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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