I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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