We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think your dad took our porno
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
