My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
