the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
