True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
