I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
