I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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