Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
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