she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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