My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
