My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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