A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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