Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
