Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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