Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
