mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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