she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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