He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This beer is not sobering me up at all
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
