i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
