this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
