Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
