did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
