Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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