Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
