Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
