she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
