I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
